May 31, 2007 9:58am
An open apology to the mighty fish: I am gillty.
You are absolutely right. You are a much better man than I am. Better, smarter, wiser, more likable, bigger, and so on. It's the size thing in particular that forces me to bow out of this absurd pissing contest.
You win, fins down. You de man. El hombre. Senior cajones. The heart and soul of the world. And I, I am an errand boy sent by grocery clerks to collect a debt. A sham, a poser, the original nowhere man.
I am sorry that I have fouled your air, wasted your time, doubted you, annoyed you, cast aspersions at you. How awful of me.
You are truly the kingfish. And I am the pig who wallows in his own miserable shit.
I am particularly sorry that I made you so angry. I should have simply smiled and moved on when you tossed the first barb. Silly, immature me. As always. I should have quit while I was ahead--and never have been so foolish as to respond to your clever post. Whew. Learned my lesson!
Yes, I am the biggest asshole here; I confess. And I am not worthy of your sharp and witty responses. I should know better than to match wits with you, of scaly one.
I am sorry for existing. I am sorry for ever having posted here. I am especially sorry for any sins I or anyone else has ever committed.
And, yes, I will never live down my infamous post. All of your negativity could never match the horrible thing I did that day. Such a crime. I should have been asked to leave.
Why didn't you tell me then that I would never find forgiveness in your heart--or, clearly, anyone else's?
What a fool I have been, thinking that all those posts and reposts and threads I have been involved in were really hostile spears aimed at the core of my very soul.
I didn't realize that I was so universally hated; but I thank you for clearing that up.
You have become my teacher, my master, my avatar, my God.
I weep: for I will never be able to call you friend as so many others do. And I so wish I could be like you and be liked by you.
You ask me to drop the leash; but it is I who am your dog, sir.
I am nothing. I am worthless, meaningless. having realized this, I will go on ebay, buy a gun, and shoot myself.
I should never have shown my sad little face around here again. I should never have shown up in the first place.
I should go and join another forum. I will worship another band.
I will run away from here.
Goodbye cruel board.
I have learned my lesson and will never, ever doubt your might, your intelligence, your honor, your sincerity, your greatness again.
I am but a trickle of spit that rolls poorly of the tongue of an ant. I am wormshit; dirt that has been swallowed, digested, and excreted our of the slimy rectum of a squiggly
creature, and which serves only to fertilize things higher up in the order. And, to add insult to insult, the very creature that forms me is your food; that really puts me at the lowest rung to your highest.
My head is so empty that it is lighter than fly shit, which flies can leave on the ceiling.
Please don't hurt me. You have done enough to put me in my place as it is.
Please: I beg you. Please.
Just this once?